Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Hollowness without Mun

Hi there, again. I had insomnia last night. Slept at 6 in the morning. I don't know what's the reason that cause me have sleepless nights after I get home. It has been 4 days after I leave Kota Kinabalu. Every night, I'm going to bed only if it has already pass 3 or 4 midnight. 

Somehow, I breakdown. 

I googled the chinese word, 空虛 that appears to be suiting perfectly to describe my feelings now. And I get words like, 

空虚, 虚
空虚, 空间, 虚
空虚, 空旷, 虚
真空, 空虚, 空白, 空空
空洞, 空虚
空缺, 空白, 缺, 空闲, 空虚, 空地
空虚, 废话, 空洞, 胡说八道
空白, 空虚
通风, 空虚

And I thought about a lot of stuffs.  

#Things I wanna do this holiday
#Whether I want to work or not

 then I thought about my sister

Mun is the name. 

Like every other siblings, we fought, we played, we cried, we grew and we love together. We even once thought how good it is if we were twins. Yes, this idea come across our mind so many times because we were mistaken as twins since our childhood. Till this January, I'm 20, she's 18. We still take bathe together.

She's my only childhood friend and I'm her first friend as well. I remember when I used to go kindergarten by bus, she would wave to me like the happiest girl in the world in naked and end up being called by my grandma to go into the house and get dressed. 

As far as what I knew, I was the one who is dominating. I don't listen to her opinion because she's the younger one. In Chinese culture, we are ought to respect the elders. Even if it is just 1 seconds apart. 

After moving to Sabah for my tertiary education, I realised how much my family meant to me of which I have always felt that they're quite annoying, especially my sister. She would suddenly ran into my room and ask me to study. She would constantly come and disturb me, the me that is enjoying the peace in my own room. She would sing with the lyrics which is totally wrong and after times of correction she still sings the same old wrong lyrics. She smells good although her bathing speed is super fast. She would always take some books into the toilet when she is doing her big business. She would laugh with victory when she successfully prank on me. Nevertheless, I'm not that weak too. I will make her enjoy ten times in return. *evil grins 

Most of all, we girls talk in the bathroom but mostly she is complaining. I've been always a good listener of her but at times I will just take the water spray and spray towards the lid of the toilet bowl to cover her complaints. This time, 2 years back, we will be either sitting sleeping on the bed together or watching TV programmes downstairs. But now, I miss it so much. The time how I threw myself on her on the bed. ='(

I wanted so badly how our lives were like last time. 

The saying goes, words that hurts are often words of of wisdom. In Sabah, I've encountered so many problems and now I realized Mun was never the younger sister being dominated. She was always dominating, in the sense she let me do whatever I want. She always gives me advices and I always disprove her in  return, calling her words nonsenses. Now, I'm alone here at home, I think of every steps she tried to guide me, what she is facing now in the US, I knew she is a better teacher to me than I am to her. She handles people well and I just know, she is a stronger person than me. No longer the person that I always use to fight with boys to protect for. 

Few days ago, mom told me that Mun was hungry at school and she didn't want to spend another penny on food outside which is so expensive so she rushed home with starve to have meals at home. She used to be have large appetite. She likes meat and now she didn't even dare to take the meats cooked by my aunty there much. Once, they were out for a meal and she didn't bring money so she borrowed from my aunty and my cousin asked her and emphasized by saying that "You have to pay yourself." Back home then, she was dripping tears giving a hundred dollar note to my aunty in front of the children. We pitied her. The end of the conversation with mom , both of us cried.

I'm thinking whether is it right for me to leave her there alone to bear all the pressure herself. Maybe I should leave here and go there with her. I don't know. I'm confused.

Guess I should stop here, my tears is not stopping when it is about my family especially my little sister. Hope she is doing fine there. My ex room mate and sister. 

Back in 2004, I'm thirteen, she's eleven. With our beloved late grandma.
Current city: Bukit Mertajam

No comments:

Post a Comment